No Pain, No Gain Unless it's A Migraine

I woke up on Sunday feeling kinda shitty. I was all scattered, and was having a tough time focusing. Luckily, I had nothing to really do until the evening time, so I could relax & take my time driving to Allentown.

I left Gregg's pretty early, since his movers were on their way, and headed for a Starbucks on Long Island. I needed a latte (duh) and I needed to check my emails, etc. I was there for about 45 minutes, and it was pretty uneventful ;) Then, it was off to Allentown for my shoot with Look Into My Lens!

I had shot with Brian twice before, but it had been some time, so I was pretty excited. Well, by the time I got there, I felt even worse than I did when I woke up. I realized that I had a full blown migraine. I used to suffer horribly from migraines. We're talking 1 a month for around 19 years. Two years ago, I was getting them more & more frequently, and I was also noticing that there were other triggers, so I did acupuncture for a while to help. It helped tremendously, and I haven't had one in over a year. Where this one came from, I'll never know :(

I got myself ready, Brian showed up, and we did the shoot. We ended up getting some great stuff, but we only shot for two hours instead of our usual three. Brian was still recovering from his birthday celebration over the weekend, and with me having a migraine, I don't think that either one of us were feeling it, which is unfortunate. Oh well, till next time, I suppose.....


Brian left, and I took a shower and went to bed. Again, I slept horribly, which really, really sucked because I had a 2 and a half hour drive to my next shoot, which was an all day shoot. Blech! I quickly got ready, gathered my things, drove thru Starbucks, and then drove to the middle of nowhere PA. This next shoot had excitement written all over it, and I was really looking forward to it, just wish I felt better.


My shoot that day was with Marcus J Ranum, and he owns and lives on this ah-mazing farm! Everything about it is just spectacular. Words cannot do this place justice, lol. His studio was even cooler, if you can believe it ;-) It was an old school, and he had done some pretty remarkable things with it. The pic below isn't really a good testament to it's awesomeness, I'm afraid.

I don't want to give away any details of our fabulous shoot, but the items below were used......

Also, thanks to some codeine, my headache finally subsided. We went to dinner after our shoot, and then I did some work on the internet while Marcus worked on his PC. The next day, I had a 4 hour drive to Philly for my final shoot of my trip with Redrum Collaboration.

An East Coast Quickie

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nyxon vs. The Horse, And Other Failures

I'm not going to bore you with every sordid detail of the Detroit portion of my trip, my Detroit "vacation", if you will, but I will give you some highlights, and lowlights.

The drive from Illinois up to Detroit was pretty uneventful. The highlight of that drive, for me, was the rest stop I stopped at, and the Dairy Queen that I ate at. Seriously. They were both at the beginning of Route 66, so you can imagine how geeked out I was ;) No worries, I took some pics ;)

I got to JJ's place shortly after 11pm, and me, her, Tony (Gotcuffs) & Eric went down the street for quesadillas & bad karaoke. Eric sang 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' which was definitely a highlight. We got back home, and I went right to sleep. That was the only night that I stayed at JJ's. The rest of the week, I spent with Eric at his concrete campground, lol. It wasn't too bad, I guess ;)


Tuesday night, Eric & I did our first shoot, which was successful. It was a strappado with some weird face bondage, nose hooks & a set of nipple clamps on each boob. The shoot went well, I did great, and I felt great when it was all done. Yay!


Wednesday night, we attempted another shoot with a cool concept that Eric came up with. We had watched 'Casino' the night before, and he wanted to do a clip where he was the Joe Pesci character & I was caught cheating in the casino. We were going to use the horse that he just  built, and I was really excited! Well, I failed. Miserably. I have decided to include a picture of the horse & share my shame.

 This was the first time that I have ever actually called a shoot, so I took it kind of hard, and I was upset at myself. We watched some of the footage the next day, and you can see where I started to fall apart. I got really sweaty, my head got fuzzy & I started to fade, but I didn't actually black out, which I guess is a good thing.


Thursday night, we attempted to do a gag custom, which I have done about 3 times for him in the past. Well, I called it after the second gag. In fact, I couldn't even get through the second gag. I felt like such a wimp, but the pain in my jaw was even more excruciating than usual, and I just couldn't take it. I know what happened to my jaw, but I won't go into details, here. I just hope that the pain goes away, and my jaw goes back to normal, because even doing the usual gags that I do, is becoming problematic. Sorry, Luc. It looks like I can't take you to the highest point in heaven ever again :(


Friday, I had a shoot with Chris Nero, and then a shoot with Pantybound. Both shoots went great! Below is a pic from my shoot with Chris.

 Saturday night,I had a shoot with Lowdown In Motown, and that was a success! Eric & I were going to attempt to do another custom, but he could only find one Hooter's sock. Soooo....after wasting our lives away at Wal-mart looking for slouch socks, we decided to lay in bed eating chocolate & watched 'Old School'. Lots of giggling happened ;)

Sunday, was sort of a leisurely day (well, they all kinda were). Eric & I grabbed dinner, and then we were going to shoot that damn Hooter's custom. I did really well until he put me on my stomach, did the hogtie, and then had a panic attack. I didn't say anything about the panic attack to him, well I guess he'll know if he reads this. Eric, do you even read this? Haha....anyway, I failed at that one, too. I really don't know what my problem was this week. I know that I had a lot going on emotionally/mentally in the beginning of my trip, and I suppose that that could have contributed to what happened to me in Detroit. I talked to my friend Serene, and she suggested that maybe I had some sort of mental block going on. Who knows..... I am, however, questioning whether or not I'll be able to work with Eric in the future. Fail :(

After that debacle, I had a quick shoot with JJ & Tony that went really well. I still had some jaw pain, but I hung tough, and got the job done!

 

Fondue Fondue For Me & You

Saturday....the day of my all day bondage shoot with JBRoper!! I love working & spending time with Joe, so I was pretty excited! The last time we shot, Joe had Sir Wallter helping him out, but today he had another friend playing "bondage roadie", his friend Kibbee. She was a delightful human being, and I'm really glad that she was there & we got to meet. She's a little more adventurous than Joe, and since he retired, she's been getting him to try new things, and have new experiences. Today would prove to be no different, lol. 

The shoot went great! I got to do a scene in my new vintage bathing suit and my new sundress! Yay!! We ended up doing 5 scenes all together, I think, before we called it a day. Then, it was time for dinner. This is where Kibbee decided to get creative. We decided to go to downtown Springfield (Illinois) and see what we could find. Well, it was Joe's lucky day because we just happened to walk past a fondue restaurant ;) Joe had never had fondue, and both Kibbee & I thought that that was a crime, lol. Anyway, we went in, had some delicious fondue, and now Joe is a big fan!

Above is a pic of Joe & Kibbee with their roasted marshmallows during the dessert portion of our meal.

As a side note, I just want to say that there were tents set up all over downtown Springfield from Civil War re-enactors re-enacting a medical encampment. Not only were they camping out, re-enacting a medical camp, but they were holding re-enactments of Civil Wartime amputations. Moving on.....

After dinner, I went to my hotel to get a good night's sleep. I had a 7 hour drive to Detroit the next day for the "vacation" portion of my trip ;-)

Well, true to form, before I left town, I found an amazing antique mall, lol. After looking very closely at everything that it had to offer, I decided on 5 bakelite bracelets to add to my collection. You just can't beat mid-west prices, I'm tellin' ya!

Business As Usual

Ok, I've had enough of this nonsense. It's time to get down to brass tacks with this blog ;-) 

I woke up Friday morning to a pretty crappy text, which of course set my emotional outburst in motion. However, as crappy as I may have been feeling, I had shit to do. I had vintage shops to visit in Indianapolis, and I also had a shoot that night with the Erotic Hypnotist. More about him later. The first vintage shop I visit was Broad Ripple Vintage. They had some neat things, buuuutttt.....nothing was really catching my eye, that is, until I looked up. Apparently, the best stuff was hung from the ceiling in this store! I found a vintage one piece bathing suit from the '40's that was my size, original tags still on it, and the price tag didn't break the bank. I just couldn't believe it, lol.  I also found a 2 piece 1940's play suit that  was also in my size, and in worn, but very good condition. And, given my state of mind while I was shopping, I picked up a little depression muumuu, lol. Don't worry, it's cute by muumuu standards, and even JJ Plush approved of it, lol.

Next up was Harloh's. This little store was amazing! I didn't really find anything in the main room, but I went down this little back hallway, and it opened up into a collector's paradise! I really could have bought more than I did, but I'm trying to be a little more frugal these days with my money while traveling. I found a beautiful baby blue bullet bra, in my size, for $5! I found a pair of full fashioned vintage stockings, also in baby blue, and I also found a celluloid dressing table set in baby blue as well.

Ok, enough shopping for one day, time to make some money ;) My evening shoot was with the Erotic Hypnotist. Now, this is a type of shoot that I wouldn't normally do, but after exchanging several emails, I was intrigued & decided to give it a try. I had tried to be hypnotised once before, and it just didn't work. I was anxious to see if this time would be different. It was, but not to the extent that it needed to be for the shoot to actually work. Tim is a very accomplished hypnotist, and he did get me to a deeper state, much deeper, than the person had the last time, but just not deep enough to do what needed to be done. I did promise him, however, that the next time I traveled through Indy that I would give it another chance, so, until then.......

Afterwards, I have about a 3 hour drive to Springfield, IL. I had an all day shoot with JBRoper the next day, and I needed a good night's sleep before that. The drive itself wasn't too bad, and part way there, my ac decided to start working (yay!). The only downside was that it started to cool down tremendously outside, lol. I mean, that's never a bad thing, except that I packed a wardrobe for weather in the 90's, not the 60's, haha. Oh well......... ;-)

I'm really OK, I promise ;-)

So, after getting the responses that I did from my last blog, I re-read it. Ok, here's the deal. I'm ok, seriously, and today was a good day. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I'll worry about that, well, tomorrow. 

I really do have a nice life, and have minimal to complain about. I enjoy what I do for a living, and I have encountered some amazing people these past few years. I have a great network of friends that are always there for me, and my family loves me unconditionally. That being said, yes, I am still lonely at times. Yes, I wish I had someone to share my life & experiences with, but I know that in time, that will come. Hopefully.


When I wrote my last post, I was feeling particularly low, and my depression was deep. I have been depressed most of my life, for as long as I can remember. I've never done anything about it, and I probably never will. I have been this way for quite some time, and I really can't imagine not being this way anymore. I deal with the waves of depression as they come, and I enjoy the manic episodes as much as possible. 


I don't apologize for my emotional outburst, but I do apologize for the cause for alarm it sent out. This blog is not only a documentary of my journeys as a fetish model, but of my emotional journey as well. This blog also serves as an outlet for me to vent, etc. 


Thank you for reading.

Lonesometown

I originally started this blog because I wanted to give people a sense of what it's really like to be on the road full time. So far, I feel that I have done a pretty good job, but reading through my previous posts, I realized that my writings lack one thing. Emotion. Which is odd, because I'm an emotional creature who is pretty much ruled & driven by her emotions. That being said, here goes.

You want to know what being on the road is really like for me? It's lonely. Extremely lonely. I travel by myself, for the most part, and even though I encounter & work with amazing people (some of whom have become good friends) it's still extremely lonely for me out here. As most of you know, I'm single, and I have been for quite some time. Over a year to be exact, and the relationship that I was in previously, was just utter crap. It's hard for me to date, due to my traveling, and even if a guy can get past that, there's still my actual job to contend with. 

Most guys that show an interest are only interested in hanging out with me for superficial reasons, and I've had a few pretend to be into me just so they could brag to their friends. Nice, huh? Then there's the guys that tell you that you're such a nice girl, and you're really hot, but if you only didn't do this job. OR they're only interested BECAUSE of your job, but not really in you, or who you really are.

It's so easy to get caught up in all of that bullshit, too, because like everyone else, I just want people to like me for who I am.  When guy after guy just uses you, and you let yourself be used thinking that maybe this time it will be different, it's hard to not lose your sense of self worth. You start thinking, maybe this is all I'm good for. Maybe this is the best that I'm ever going to get. Maybe, because I do this job, that I don't deserve to have someone in my life who cares about me, and wants to be with me. 

Let's face it, in reality, guys don't want to be with a girl who's naked all over the internet. It's a nice fantasy, but when it really comes down to it, guys don't want to be with that girl for the rest of their lives. They want to be with that girl for one night so that they can brag to their friends about it. This isn't a theory of mine, but something that I have repeatedly encountered over the past 2 years. Honestly, I'm pretty humble and I don't think that I'm all that, so why this keeps happening is way beyond me.

I was recently told, by a guy, that maybe the reason I'm having trouble finding a boyfriend is because guys just don't want a girlfriend who travels as much as I do. WTF? I'll tell ya what, I have no reason to stay home, I have no one to go home to, and I guarantee that no one misses me when I'm gone. Even when I am home, I pretty much either keep to myself, or do things by myself. No one is there for me, and I take care of most things on my own, by myself. Yes, I have friends, but they all have their own lives, and their own relationships to attend to. I can't make a career out of being a 3rd wheel, if you know what I mean.

Being told that you're not worth getting to know, and that you're not good enough really sucks. It also really hurts. It's ok, though. I'm used to it, grrrrrr.

That, ladies & gentlemen, is what life as a traveling model is like for me. Lonely. Don't get me wrong, no one forces me to do this job. I do it because I love it, and it is rewarding in other ways. It's just not conducive to a successful relationship. In closing, I leave you with the video from The Cramps of a Ricky Nelson cover:

http://youtu.be/E_Uwh0w23K0

"Some people call me a teenage idol. I smile and say they envy me. I guess they got no way of knowin' how lonely it can be"

Mid-west is the best!

So on Wednesday, June 8, I started my 10 day mid-west tour. I drove from Pittsburgh to Columbus, and did a shoot with Leggy Bondage Productions that night. Let me just start out by saying that the AC in my car is on the fritz (I know, I know, I need to get it fixed) & the drive from Pittsburgh to Columbus was the longest, hottest & sweatiest 3 hours of my life! I was worn out before I got there, and the shoot hadn't even started yet! Well, the shoot went great, and afterwards I went to my friend's place. I was staying the night there, and we were going to grab dinner & he was going to temporarily "fix" my AC. Dinner was delicious, and then it was off to Wal*Mart to buy AC charges.

The next day, I had a shoot with Chas Krider, and while I was getting ready, my friend charged my AC. It didn't exactly work, lol. I mean, instead of blowing out hot air, it was blowing out kinda cool air, lol. I still had to keep the windows down. My shoot with Chas was fantastic!! If you don't know who he is, go to www.motelfetish.com. I own his Motel Fetish book, and I have been a fan of his for quite some time, so for him to agree to shoot me, was kind of a big deal for me. It was an AMAZING experience! Here is one of the photos from the shoot:

Chas & I really hit it off & worked really well together. Look for bigger & better things to come!

After that shoot, I headed to Indianapolis. I had a tickle-bondage shoot with Indy & Pandora that night. Gonna be a long day, lol, especially with no AC. Blech! I arrived there, cooled down in their fabulous air conditioned house, and got bound & tickled for 3 hours, lol. The shoot was a lot of fun, as always, and afterwards, they treated me to a delicious dinner. Then it was off to my hotel room for some much earned sleep.