So, after getting the responses that I did from my last blog, I re-read it. Ok, here's the deal. I'm ok, seriously, and today was a good day. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I'll worry about that, well, tomorrow.
I really do have a nice life, and have minimal to complain about. I enjoy what I do for a living, and I have encountered some amazing people these past few years. I have a great network of friends that are always there for me, and my family loves me unconditionally. That being said, yes, I am still lonely at times. Yes, I wish I had someone to share my life & experiences with, but I know that in time, that will come. Hopefully.
When I wrote my last post, I was feeling particularly low, and my depression was deep. I have been depressed most of my life, for as long as I can remember. I've never done anything about it, and I probably never will. I have been this way for quite some time, and I really can't imagine not being this way anymore. I deal with the waves of depression as they come, and I enjoy the manic episodes as much as possible.
I don't apologize for my emotional outburst, but I do apologize for the cause for alarm it sent out. This blog is not only a documentary of my journeys as a fetish model, but of my emotional journey as well. This blog also serves as an outlet for me to vent, etc.
Thank you for reading.
The last two posts were pretty interesting to read and while my experiences in kink and photography are definitely different than yours I definitely understand, I feel like I have been on both sides of the fence. Months ago I sort of pulled myself out of the NY Kink party scene because I started to feel like if I went somewhere I couldn't just be James. That me and whomever I was with was expected to do some sort of strict bondage. So I kinda just walked away for a while, because I didn't know how to just let go and do nothing, if that is what i wanted. It's weird being in a crowded room and still feeling alone.
ReplyDeleteRecently I met a model, whom I had seen for years. Her kink/bondage background is pretty wild and she reached out to me because of some photos I had done and I guess because of some gear I have. I was sort of star struck, she didn't know it at the time. I was nervous as hell when I met her. After dinner, some rope, emailing and talking, turns out we have a lot in common and that we understand each other really well. But I had to take a step back and remind myself that she isn't the person that I had seen so many times, that is just a small part of her personality. Its funny how it is so easy to forget that people are just people. Most people just know my as specifickink, so when they meet me as James I can usually see the shock in their face when I don't match their expectations in their head. I guess I am too normal looking for my kinks.
Anyway this is getting long. You will meet someone, it is usually when you don't or least expect it. I was certainly not prepared when I met my fiance.
-James