Lonesometown

I originally started this blog because I wanted to give people a sense of what it's really like to be on the road full time. So far, I feel that I have done a pretty good job, but reading through my previous posts, I realized that my writings lack one thing. Emotion. Which is odd, because I'm an emotional creature who is pretty much ruled & driven by her emotions. That being said, here goes.

You want to know what being on the road is really like for me? It's lonely. Extremely lonely. I travel by myself, for the most part, and even though I encounter & work with amazing people (some of whom have become good friends) it's still extremely lonely for me out here. As most of you know, I'm single, and I have been for quite some time. Over a year to be exact, and the relationship that I was in previously, was just utter crap. It's hard for me to date, due to my traveling, and even if a guy can get past that, there's still my actual job to contend with. 

Most guys that show an interest are only interested in hanging out with me for superficial reasons, and I've had a few pretend to be into me just so they could brag to their friends. Nice, huh? Then there's the guys that tell you that you're such a nice girl, and you're really hot, but if you only didn't do this job. OR they're only interested BECAUSE of your job, but not really in you, or who you really are.

It's so easy to get caught up in all of that bullshit, too, because like everyone else, I just want people to like me for who I am.  When guy after guy just uses you, and you let yourself be used thinking that maybe this time it will be different, it's hard to not lose your sense of self worth. You start thinking, maybe this is all I'm good for. Maybe this is the best that I'm ever going to get. Maybe, because I do this job, that I don't deserve to have someone in my life who cares about me, and wants to be with me. 

Let's face it, in reality, guys don't want to be with a girl who's naked all over the internet. It's a nice fantasy, but when it really comes down to it, guys don't want to be with that girl for the rest of their lives. They want to be with that girl for one night so that they can brag to their friends about it. This isn't a theory of mine, but something that I have repeatedly encountered over the past 2 years. Honestly, I'm pretty humble and I don't think that I'm all that, so why this keeps happening is way beyond me.

I was recently told, by a guy, that maybe the reason I'm having trouble finding a boyfriend is because guys just don't want a girlfriend who travels as much as I do. WTF? I'll tell ya what, I have no reason to stay home, I have no one to go home to, and I guarantee that no one misses me when I'm gone. Even when I am home, I pretty much either keep to myself, or do things by myself. No one is there for me, and I take care of most things on my own, by myself. Yes, I have friends, but they all have their own lives, and their own relationships to attend to. I can't make a career out of being a 3rd wheel, if you know what I mean.

Being told that you're not worth getting to know, and that you're not good enough really sucks. It also really hurts. It's ok, though. I'm used to it, grrrrrr.

That, ladies & gentlemen, is what life as a traveling model is like for me. Lonely. Don't get me wrong, no one forces me to do this job. I do it because I love it, and it is rewarding in other ways. It's just not conducive to a successful relationship. In closing, I leave you with the video from The Cramps of a Ricky Nelson cover:

http://youtu.be/E_Uwh0w23K0

"Some people call me a teenage idol. I smile and say they envy me. I guess they got no way of knowin' how lonely it can be"